Breaking the Surface
by weatheredlaw
Summary: AU: Yugi, twenty and tired of his boring life, becomes involved with a mysterious man who brings him into his world of murder, mystery, and money on the darker side of Domino City. YugxYami
1. I Am Gone

**A/N: **I'm going on vacation in a few days, but I had this idea. While swimming. Enjoy! I'll write more when I come back. Also, I'm being more careful about spelling.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 1: I Am Gone**

I wonder how long I could stay underwater if I held my breath, even when I could feel my body trying to breathe. Sometimes, I only last a few seconds. Other times, I'm under the water close to a minute. I'm doing that now. I can hear the muffled voices of my friends as I swim. The water does a good job at blocking the noise. They should line motel walls with water. Or better yet, build them on the bottom of the sea. I heard about a glass hotel they were building in Australia that would be underwater. I wonder how you throw rocks at a glass house under the sea. I wonder how they'll get the water out. I wonder-

Joey jumps into the water and bubbles cloud around me, sending me to the surface, quietly gasping for breath.

"Damn I love pools. Best birthday present ever."

"It's Tea's you dumbass," Tristan says from a corner of the pool. Tea rolls her eyes. Two years ago her mother died of cancer and her father's been treking around the globe, doing something with stocks or insurance. Anyway, he gets her whatever she wants and this year she asked for a pool for her birthday. What Tea wishes, Tea receives. And her sad and lonely father had a pool built for her. The bottom is rough and hurts my feet, but I spend most of my time floating just beneath the surface. Trying to hold my breath. Trying to trick my lungs.

"Jesus it's hot," Tristan mutters, dipping his head in the water and coming back up. He's right. A heat wave has hit Domino City. The streets are a little emptier, and the public pool a bit more crowded. The water park remains the same. Loud and full of toddlers. We don't go there very often anymore. We're college students now. The big kids on campus. Juniors.

"Thanks for the compliment Tristan, but I don't swing that way." Joey does another canon ball into the pool. I want my own water. Something I can live under whenever I want to. Lean and quick and slippery like a fish I am. Have always been. Will always be. I make small talk with my friends. Something I'm becomming worse at each day.

"What's this stuff on the bottom again?" I ask, feigning interest.

"Pebbletech," Tea says, not any more interested than I am. She's flipping through a magazine, large sunglasses covering her face. In a few weeks, we'll all start classes again. But we can do this for now. We can be this way today.

I'm under the water again. And when I come up, when I break the barrier between air and water, I wonder if that's what it's like to be born.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Grampa, I want a pool."

"Sure Yugi. And I want to own my own arcade, but we can't all have what we want." He laughs and hands me my dinner. "Did you have fun?" Like I'm in middle school still. Not halfway done with college.

"Yeah. I did."

"Good." We eat and talk. But I'm not any better at talking to my grandfather than I am at talking to my friends these days. And as I sit there and eat dinner, listening to him complain about our new employee, it all seems so trivial. So dull. So...pointless. My life seems to be going nowhere and I don't understand it. I help him clean up and then go upstairs to stare at the ceiling.

At what point did I realize that my life was so completely boring? At what point did that realization come over me? Maybe it was this past semester. Maybe it was all the days I hung out with my friends, only to realize we'd done the same thing since high school. I sigh and get up, pulling off my clothes and heading to the shower. The hot water pleasantly sears my skin. I stand under the flow of the water and let everything from today slide off. The pool and being born and wondering why Tea doesn't care any more than I do. Why it's so hot all of a sudden. I think maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

_Your life is a waste of space Yugi Mutou. Get out and do something._

Sometimes, the universe can be oddly specific.

I get out of the shower and towel myself dry, pulling on a tshirt and pajamas and crawling into bed. I can still feel the chlorine on my skin, drying me out, leaving me there in a shadow of water. I want to be hidden under it again. I want to be submerged and surrounded. I like the quiet. The moon shines through the space in my curtains, leaving lines on the floor like paths to places I don't know the way to. Places I've never been. Places that seem so far away. I wonder if I could follow these moon-paths and find my way there.

I wonder if the moon and the stars would be my map. If I am worthy enough to use them. I wonder and wonder until I finally fall asleep.

_"Yugi. Yugi, where are you?" A sweet voice. It calls from a far away place._

_"Mama?" _

_"Yugi. Over here."_

_"Papa!" Their voices. They carry over and around me. I am stumbling. A garden. I fall and get back up, but their voices get carried further and further away. I need to see them. I need to know they're safe. Even though I already know the truth._

_"Yugi! Hurry up, you'll miss it!"_

_"Miss what? What will I miss?"_

_"Everything..."_

I sit up in bed and look around. Early morning sun is falling through the curtains. No more moon-paths. Just sunlit trails to places I've already been. I've had that dream before. Where I can't find my family, not matter how hard I try. Always that fucking garden, it's weeds and trees choking me and tripping me and stopping me from what I really need to do. From what I've always wanted: my parents.

They died when I was very young. I only remember them in bits and pieces. The smell of my mother's hair. My father's heavy coat that he would throw over me and then playfully wonder aloud, "Where's little Yugi gone? Where is he?" And I'd jump out of the coat and shout, "Here I am." Surprise was my father's forte. That and family. I remember him being a good husband. A wonderful father. But they left me with my grampa one day and went to Europe. And they never came back.

Not alive, anyway.

I get dressed and wander downstairs. No one's there. Grampa left a note saying that he went to the store. The shop is closed today-- it's Sunday. I pull on some shoes and leave. I need to get out of here. Need to be somewhere else. Can't be here. The streets of Domino are safe, usually. No one is too angry here. Or too strange. But I've only really explored my part of the city. Today I go a little further. The dark narrow streets between buildings become covered in shadows. The people are a little thinner. I've never seen this side of Domino. And I like it. It's different from my usual travel circle. Just what the universe ordered, right?

"Hey Yami!" A man grabs my shoulder and spins me around. "I want a fucking rematch, you got me?"

"What?"

"Don't fucking pretend you asshole! You cheated and I know it."

"I don't know what you're talking about. My name isn't Yami."

"The fuck it is!" He punches me in the gut and I go flying. Who the fuck is this guy and why is he called me Yami? He kicks me again. "Give me my money or I won't scalp you motherfucker." He kicks me in the side and I fall over, clutching my stomach.

The universe just wants to fuck with me. I know that now.

"You were looking for me?" a smooth dark voice says quietly. I open my eyes and see myself standing above me. I think. He looks from me to the man who just got started beating the shit out of me and then laughs. That laugh sends shivers down my spine, makes me feel strangely alive, all of a sudden. My twin stares hard at the other man who just makes nervous noises.

"You, uh, got a twin, Yami?"

"Never even met this kid before. What did you say you wanted? A rematch?"

"You know, actually, it's not that big of a deal. I'll, uh, I'll be seing you." The coward runs off, leaving me and my other self to our devices. I moan and cough, feeling like I got hit by a semi-truck. He leans down and helps me up.

"I think you stole my thunder," he says, gesturing toward my hair.

"Born with it,"I manage. He laughs that laugh again and puts his arm around my shoulder.

"Come on. My place is over here. Let's get you cleaned up before someone else mistakes you for me and wants their money back."

Yeah. Hot guys who look like me and people who want to kill me.

The universe has a sick sense of humor. But Yami is funnier, making jokes at me expense and leading me up to his apartment. He cleans the cut on my cheek and gives me some painkillers and water.

"Believe me, I'm used to getting the shit beat out of me. I mean, it's been a while, but it used to be a daily thing."

"You? A punching bag? But you're so innocent looking."

"Yeah, that's my problem I guess."

"What's your name?"

"Yugi. Yugi Mutou. And you're Yami?" He nods. Smiles. And I am gone.


	2. The Roller Coaster

**A/N:** I'm not leaving till Wednesday (FOR HAWAII!!!!!) so you'll get a few more chapters, no worries. Also, there is drug use in this chapter. You've been warned. Our little Yugi is becoming a bad-ass.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 2: The Roller Coaster**

I like to imagine that my life before I met Yami was like one of those kiddie-roller coasters. You know, the ones where they go about as fast as a Pinto in rush hour traffic? But you're six so you think that this is the most God-awful scariest thing that's ever happened to you. In fact, you're convinced that nothing will ever be this scary ever again.

And then you ride a real roller coaster. And nothing is the same after that.

Something changes the moment I meet Yami. I don't know what. But the dullness of my life becomse oddly obscured by the shadow of his enigma. He becomes this looming presence in my life that is an incredible mystery. One I can't quite solve, but have this hungry desire to. Every time he answers one of my questions, I am left with a thousand more. But I like it. In fact, he's the most interesting thing that's ever happened to me. And I've only known him a few days.

After that first day, when he cleans the cut on my face and gives me a few Tylenol, I am thrown into this strange world. One that is brighter and clearer and sharper than the one I used to live in. I went back to his apartment the day after he found me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly, letting me in.

"I came by to thank you."

"You already did. A thousand times. I think there's something else."

"No. Not really," I said, a little too quickly. I looked around. "What's this?" I asked, pointing to a strange painting.

"Those are hyroglyphics. My father was Egyptian. He was obsessed with ancient Egypt."

"Cool." I looked around his apartment, taking everything in. It was fairly empty and clean. Simple. Not too many things or pieces of furniture. No TV. A radio played in a corner. Maybe it was a CD player. The kitchen was small. A bed was pushed into one corner. A bookshelf crammed with novels and magazines took up half of one of the walls.

"Did you need something else?" I shrugged. "I think you should leave then."

"Why?"

"Little Yugi, I have a reputation to uphold. I can't have some yuppie college student hanging around. I've got business associates and clients and people who hate me to impress. You're not-"

"Fine. Whatever." I went for the door. He stopped me.

"I can meet you somewhere else, if you'd like. Maybe in your part of town."

"I'm just a college yuppie. Why would you want to hang out with me?"

"I'm just a gambling asshole. Why would _you_ want to hang out with _me_?"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Today we are going to a concert in the middle of nowhere. "You'll have fun, trust me," he says as he smiles and hands me a cup of beer.

"I don't drink!" I yell over the noise of the first band playing.

"Guess we'll have to start teaching you! Drink up!" I take a sip. It tastes awful, but isn't this what the universe wanted? For me to get out and change things. I blew off lunch with my friends. Said I was meeting up with someone from one of my classes next semester to get a head start on some work. That's what boring old Yugi does. No one was surprised-- I do it every summer. Get prepared. Not drunk. Which I am doing. Yami looks at me and laughs.

"If you don't like it, we can get something else."

"It's fine," I say, taking another drink. It's growing on me. I guess. "I'm not actually old enough to drink you know."

"Does it look to you like anyone cares?" I look around. Some girl who looks about seventeen is smoking a joint and drinking a beer. She catches my eye and winks. She has her arm wrapped around some girl who is about two feet taller than her. They pass around the joint and waves us over. Yami smiles and takes it from them. Takes a hit. Hands it to me. I do the same.

The smoke fills my mouth. "First time?" the girl asks. I nod. "Hold it in a second. Now exhale." I cough a little, but it isn't bad. My head buzzes from the beer and weed. Yami smiles and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"Told you you'd have a good time." I smile and look to the stage. We smoke some more and my vision blurs a little around the edges as I begin to feel very much removed from my own body. I shake it off. Eventually the buzz of everything wears off and the music dies down. Yami looks at me. "I think I've corrupted you. And I've only known you three days." I shrug and smile. He leads me away from the crowd. We say goodbye to the girls we met and head out to the parking lot. The people we got a ride with are gone.

"Well. This sucks." He laughs. "How far away are we from town?"

"An hour, I'd say. Walking. It was like twenty minutes here."

"Fuck," he mutters, pulling out his phone. He calls a few people. "We can't walk," he mutters. "I'm baked like a fucking cake..." He continues talking to himself as he calls people. Finally some strange girl drives out and picks us up.

"Fucking-a Yami. Why are you all the way out here?"

"Concert, weed, and beer my lovely." He kisses her cheek and she rolls her eyes.

"Who's the twin?"

"A new friend. Yugi, this is Mai. Mai, this is Yugi." She nods.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You guys, like, related or something?" I shake my head. She shrugs and lights a cigarette. Who the hell are these people I've gotten myself involved with. "Where do you live kid?" I give her directions. She laughs. "Nice kid from this part of town? What are you doing hanging out with a piece of shit like Yami here?"

"Shove it Mai."

"What? You didn't tell him what you do?" She laughs for what seems like five minutes. We sit in silence the rest of the time. She pulls up in front of the game shop. "See ya Yugi." I thank her and get out. Yami gets out quickly and follows me.

"Yugi, don't-"

"Don't what? Listen to her? I'm just a yuppie college student, right?" He puts his hand on my arm, but I shake him off. "I'm tired and I'm going to have to explain the hangover I'll have tomorrow to my friends and my grandfather. Thanks."

"You didn't protest when we were out there. You didn't care about it then."

"Whatever. Just let me go."

"No."

"What?" And he pulls me to him, wraps me in his arms, and kisses me.

I've never kissed a girl before, let alone another guy. Maybe it's the weed running through my head. Or the beer. Or the smoke from Mai's cigarette. Or the music. I don't know, but he tastes like all of that. And I'm not sure, but I know what to do. His tongue crawls into my mouth and-

"What the fuck are you doing? Can't you keep it in your pants long enough to get home?" Mai yells from the car, honking. He flips her off and smiles at me.

"Sorry. I just-"

"It's fine. I'm, uh, I'm going to go in the back door. I'll see you later."

"Yes. You will, actually." He winks and runs to Mai's car. She rolls her eyes and speeds off. I quickly make my way through the back door.

"Yugi!" Shit.

"Hey grampa."

"Where have you been?"

"Hanging out with some friends."

"Not Joey."

"No. I have other friends grampa." He looks at me. Does he see it? He sighs.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It was terrible of me to think that-"

"That I'm incapable of having other friends?" I snap. He narrows his eyes and looks closer.

"Have you been drinking?"

"No."

"You're sure."

"Jesus, I'm in college not the third grade! Will you give me a break?" I go upstairs and shut the bathroom door. Lock it. Look in the mirror. I don't look too bad. Not like I've been drinking. The kiss woke me up. I rub my eyes and turn on the shower. I'm tired and feeling the after-effects of the booze. _I'll never drink again_, I lie to myself. With Yami in my life, things are going to get even more complicated. I know it.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I am drifting to sleep when my phone rings.

"Hello?"

"Hey." I sit up.

"Yami. Hi."

"I called to apologize." For the kiss. "For everything tonight. I dragged you too quickly into all this and made some stupid decisions. And I feel bad. About it all."

"All of it?" I ask carefully.

"Well, almost all of it," he says laughing. "Look. I've got to go somewhere on business tomorrow. But, uh, you know, if you'd like to do something this weekend, I'd be happy to oblige."

"Whe do you ask me these things so politely?"

"Because I'm not good at relationships. Friendship or otherwise. So I'm walking on eggshells here, okay? I don't know how to do these things. You'll have to be patient with me."

"I can do that," I say quietly. He laughs again.

"Thank you, _aibou_."

"_Aibou._ Partner?"

"Yes," he says. "Is that alright?"

"It's perfect."


	3. Dangerous

**A/N:** Yay! Another chapter. What is it that Yami doesn't want Yugi to know about? Um, I don't know yet, actually. We'll find out I guess.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 3:**

"I got you something," Yami says smiling in the kitchen as we cut carrots and celery. I have been hanging out here more often, attracting the wrong kind of attention from my friends, but leaving my grandfather pleased that I may have new friends to be with. Or better yet, a girl friend. If he only knew.

"What?" I ask, looking at him. He goes to a closet and pulls out a guitar case. "Yami. I don't play."

"I know. But you're going to learn."

"Do you?"

"Nope. But you're the one who told me you were sick of your life being so boring. So you're going to learn to play this."

"I suck at learning things."

"You've learned a lot of things this week though, haven't you?" he asks, coming over and kissing me gently. I laugh against his lips. I suppose I have. I've learned how to press my body carefully against his. How to kiss slow enough to please, but fast enough to entice. I've learned how to carefully pleasure my lover without taking too much. We haven't had sex, but I'm sure by the time we do, I'll be able to write a fucking book about it. He presses the guitar case in my hands. "You can learn. I know you can." I take it from him and nod. In less than a minute we are on the floor, kissing violently and harshly, but sweetly enough to have me moaning into his neck. I open like a bloom to him and let him have his way. We are interrupted by a loud knock on the door.

"Yami! Open up! I need something!" a strangled voice calls from the other side of the door.

"Fuck!" He pulls me up. "Get in the closet, okay?"

"What the- why?"

"Because I said so. And DON'T come out. Got it?"

"O-okay. But Yami-"

"NOW. Yugi." I nod and grab the guitar, running to the closet. I shut the door tightly as I hear a man enter the house.

"I need some, okay? Now."

"I don't have anything for you today. You missed it. I ran out last night at the club."

"I was at the fucking club last night!"

"Well, you missed it."

"Fuck you. You always have something."

"Not. Today. Now get out." The man mutters something else and I hear a scuffle. Someone gasps and hisses. "Fuck!" Yami yells.

"Fine! I'm going!" The door slams and I stumble out of the closet. He's clutching his arm and bleeding.

"What the hell?" I grab some paper towels and and rummage through the drawers for the first aide kit. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. Here, I can do this."

"No. I got it." I clean the cut on his arm and wrap it.

"Thanks," he mutters. He smiles at me, but I'm not smiling back. "What?"

"What do you do?"

"I...I mean...what do you mean?"

"Don't act like that. What is it you do?" He looks away and then looks at me.

"I gamble. With card games. Poker, blackjack, you know. That stuff. I'm good at it. I always win. I bet on chess games and boxing matches and those things. I sell prescription drugs too." I nod. "So. There. You know now. Happy?"

"Yes." I pull him to me and kiss him.

"You're not angry?"

"No," I say quietly. "I'm not. Not really. I mean, this is..."

"Dangerous," he says, smiling.

"Yeah. Dangerous. I kind of like it." I help him up and we go back to the kitchen. We make soup and eat it. We make out. I try to play the guitar. I fail. And he laughs. But I decide to learn anyway. I mean, how hard can it be? I learned to give a good blow job, right?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"So who is this new friend?" my grampa asks one evening. Yami is in the town over, watching a chess tournament, taking bets. Making money. We're planning a trip and we need cash to get it. I get a job so I can pay for part of it. Grampa thinks I'm taking responsibility for my life. School starts in a few days and I'll be busy. A job, he thinks, will teach me how to use money responsibly. He's proud of me.

"His name is Yami."

"Ah, a he."

"Yes."

"What's he like?"

"He's cool. He looks a lot like me, it's weird. He's a couple years older than me."

"What does he do?"

"He's a pharmacist," I lie. That's what he calls himself. Dealing and wheeling to the average Joe. I smile to myself.

"Well, I'm glad you've made a new friend."

"Yeah. I mean, he's introduced me to a lot of people. Like this really cool girl named Mai who's a tattoo artist and a really good chess player. And there's this guy Duke who's got this dice game he's creating."

"Gamers! I like these people."

"Yeah, they're pretty cool. We're thinking about taking a road trip in October. There's this really cool gaming festival going on that just started up last year. It's for younger people who are really into chess and other games. There's a concert or whatever, too. And a big barbecue." _Weed, mostly_, I think to myself. He nods and smiles.

"Is that why you got a job?" he muses.

"I got a job for a few reasons. I mean, the bookstore gives me discounts. I can buy you books, too. I get free textbooks. And it gives me a chance to save for things I want to do. Like grad school and cool trips."

"Well, you're old enough to do the things you want to do. So if you'd like to go on this road trip, then I would be happy to donate." Weed money? Thanks grampa.

"Thanks grampa. That'd be really cool." He smiles.

"Just don't forget you've got other friends here who care about you, too."

"I know. We're hanging out tomorrow."

"Good!" This is true, actually. Joey's been wondering where I've been. I tell him I met some people and have just been hanging out with them. He understands, but it's hard for him to let go. He's upset by the fact that I'm not with them as much lately. So I go to lunch with everyone the next day.

It is strange, suddenly being so distanced from my friends in so little time. I look at them and wonder if they've ever smoked or drank. If they've ever laid in bed with someone and known that this is where they belong. If they've ever experienced the feeling of someone surrounding them with their body. If they've ever sat up late at night and smoked and attempted to learn to play the guitar. To write music. To express and feel something beyond friendship. It isn't enough for me anymore. I can't really do this.

"Yugi? There's someone behind you." I turn around.

"Mai! I thought you were-"

"Eh. Chess tournaments aren't my thing. She lights a cigarette and looks around. Joey stares. I kick his ankle and he closes his mouth. "Hi," Mai says, smiling. "Want one?" she asks me. I laugh and shake me head. She shrugs and takes a seat next to me.

"This is Tea, Tristan, and Joey." They wave and look at me strangely.

"Nice to meet you. Duke's in some antique shop, looking for old dice or something. I swear, every fucking time we pass one of those stores, he has to drag me in. Drive my sinuses insane."

"I'm sure smoking doesn't help," Tea says, her lips pursed tightly. Mai raises an eyebrow.

"Probably not." She sucks in again and blows smoke into the sky. Like she's making clouds. I wonder if that's how they're made. If mother nature is a hookah smoking druggie who blows smoke clouds. She smiles as Duke comes over. "Find anything."

"Yes! These. They're brass."

"You're an addict."

"That's a lot, coming from you. Hey Yugi."

"Hey Duke. How's the game going?"

"Fine. Just adding to my dice collection. Well...hello," he says to Tea. She blushes violently and sips her water.

"Come on Romeo," Mai says. "We'll see you later Yugi. There's something going on this weekend. Don't know what. Ask Yami when gets back into town, 'kay? Because you're coming."

"Maybe," I say, sipping my own drink. She winks and waves.

"Bye Joey."

"Bye," he says hoarsely. "Are those your new friends?"

"They're additional friends," I say quickly. "Not replacements." He smiles.

"She's hot." I laugh and look at Tea.

"You okay?"

"Yes. They just seem a little....different. You know, than you. I mean, and what you usually do. I mean..."

"Who's Yami?"

"That guy I was telling you about. Who looks like me." Tristan nods.

"They sound like cool people though." I nod.

If they only knew.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Slower _aibou_. Just a little slower-ah!" He moans a little as I am giving him head. He releases in my mouth and smiles. "Good. You're getting better."

"Thanks," I say, laughing. He lights a cigarette and hands it to me. "I think you've officially turned me into what no one expected."

"Why would you want to be what people expect?"

"It's what I've always been. What I've always done."

"That's dumb."

"You know what? You're right." I smile and kiss him. He pulls me close. "How was your trip?"

"Made three hundred bucks. Added it to the jar." I chuckle and look at the clock.

"Shit! It's nine. I've got to get home before nine thirty or my grampa will kill me."

"Why? You're nearly twenty-one. He can't do anything."

"No no! We've got people coming over. The Hawkins. This old professor and his daughter, Rebecca. I've got to get home and meet them before my grampa gets back from the airport!" He laughs and pulls me back as I try and get dressed. "Ah! Yami, I've got to." He sighs and lets me go.

"Fine. You want a ride?"

"You don't have a car."

"I have a bike."

"When did you get a bike?"

"I won it." I laugh and sit on the edge of the bed, pulling on my shirt. "Hmm? Want to? I'll put you on the handlebars."

"Sounds dangerous."

"Isn't that your new middle name?"

"No. I don't have a middle name. But that could be it if you want to." He nods and kisses me, getting dressed himself. "Okay, hurry up. We've got to be quick."

The moon is half-full tonight and the wind hits my face as we ride quickly down the streets. It almost comical as we race down the streets and he skids to a halt in front of my house. "Record time. Not back yet." I nod and hop off.

"Time for you to beat it."

"Am I still a secret?"

"The best one," I say, kissing him. "Now go. Now! Now! Quick." He kisses me back and hops back on the bike. I laugh and let myself in the door, running upstairs to change. I reak of cigarette smoke. I throw my clothes in the washer with some others and runs upstairs for a quick shower. By the time the Hawkins' arrive, I've got tea boiling and I look like I spent the last few hours getting ready for classes that will inevitably start on Monday. This weekend I have to split my time between celebrating in Tea's pool with my friends and going to a concert with Yami. Rebecca comes in, smiling and hugs me tight.

"I've missed you Yugi."

"I've missed you, too, kiddo." Once she got over her impossible crush on me, she became much easier to deal with.

I make tough chit-chat with these old friends. But my thoughts continually go back to him.

I will always have to go back to him...


	4. The Rabbit Hole

**A/N: **That was a long chapter. Here's another of an unspecified length. I'm just going with this right now. I'm also going to mess things up for people. Sound fun?

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 4: The Rabbit Hole**

I am antsy. Tea's pool has reached a new level of boring. She's just sitting on the edge. Joey's doing canonballs, and Tristan is floating. I love my friends. I really do. But I've gone to another level in my life and I want to get there right now. I go under to clear my head. The water blurs my vision and I see Joey's legs kicking and flailing under the surface. I care about my friends a lot.

So why do I want to kill them?

I shake these thoughts out of my head. I mean, I don't want to _KILL_ them. I just want to be someplace else. No more friendship speeches or awkward lunches. When school starts, it will be much easier for me to avoid them. And divide my time between them and Yami. I smile when I think about him. What time is it? I'm supposed to head to his house at six. Meet with Mai and Duke and go to the concert. Probably spend the night at his house. I told grampa that that's what I'd be doing. He seems to be okay with it. Somehow I have this feeling he knows that I've reached some different level and that Yami might be more than a friend. But if he feels this way, he won't say anything. He's been giving me my space lately. I'm growing up. He's growing old. And I need freedom. At least, that's what he told me. But why is it my friends who are the ones imprisoning me?

"Yugi? Man, where are you?"

"Sorry. Just thinking. Hey, what time is it?"

"Five." I nod. "Why, you got someplace else to be?" Yes.

"No. I just told Yami I'd go to this concert with him and Mai and Duke."

"You're ditching us for them?" Tea takes off her sunglasses and looks at me.

"I'm not _ditching_ you. I mean, we've hung out all day."

"Oh, so now it's a chore for you to be with us."

Yes. "No, Tea, it's not. I just-"

"Have other friends. Right. Of course." I look at her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize I couldn't have other friends. My mistake. I'll be sure the fix that as soon as possible."

"Hey, hey! Cool down! Come on, Tea. We've been together all day. I mean, I gotta go home soon, too. I'm cooking my sister dinner."

"That's different," she snaps.

"Really?" I ask. I get out of the pool, pulling on my tshirt and shorts, feeling the fabric clinging to my skin. It feels strange. Like it's revealing something new and different about me. And maybe it is. Maybe through this fabric Tea can see that I have moved on from them. Not entirely, but enough to feel comfortable with others. "I mean, I'd love to know how."

"We were your friends first Yugi! We deserve that much!"

"Yeah, you were my first friends. But that doesn't mean you get to be my only friends." I grab my things and walk away, pushing open the back gate and grabbing the bike Yami gave me. I put on my sunglasses and glare at the sky. Why? Universe. Why? Why does it have to be this fucking hard to move on with my life? I ride home. My grampa is closing the shop.

"Hey! Why so testy?"

"I don't know! I mean, apparently, I can't have other friends! Apparently, some loser like me gets one chance and then gets stuck with those friends forever. You know, just because I never had friends before doesn't mean that they get to have some exclusive hold on the title. I mean, why can't I make other friends? Why? Why can't I?"

"You can."

"Yeah? Well, according to Tea, I can't."

"Yugi, you've made other friends and you're growing up. There comes a time when your childhood friends either have to grow up with you, or you have to grow up without them. They'll move on with you. And you'll always be close. But they'll have to understand you're not a child anymore. And you can make new friends like Yami."

"Grampa...Yami is..." I look at the ground. Back at him. He looks carefully at me. "I mean, he's not just...Fuck."

"Language."

"Sorry." I sigh. "He's a great friend, you're right. I'm going to go change and head to his place, okay? I'll be back in the morning."

"Okay Yugi. Have fun." And he doesn't press the issue. Doesn't harass me for more information. Lets me go. I run upstairs and change. Say goodbye, and ride to Yami's house. I open the door with the key he gave me. He's in the kitchen, selling something to some stringy guy with too much shit in his blood. He shivers and shakes and laughs and moves too much. His hands give the money to Yami and Yami hands him a bag of something. Pills. I stopped caring. The guy stumbles out of the house. Counting the pills over and over again.

"You caught a transaction."

"I did. That guy looks like he's going to walk in front of movie traffic. He needs a leash."

"Eh, he'll be alright. These guys are fine. They're just hooked on this stuff. When I moved into this neighborhood, there was a guy selling already. Only he was selling a lot more dangerous stuff. Crack and spiked shit. I stay out of that. I'm a-"

"Pharmacist, right. That's what my friends and grampa think you are." He smiles and goes to his dresser. I pick up the guitar and strum a little.

"You're getting better. When you're really good, you should do open mic night at the club."

"Maybe I should." I smile and continue to play. It's come naturally for me, music has. Like Yami has. And my new life. Mai honks from outside and yells. "Guess we better go." He nods and pulls on a jacket. How he manages to do that and turn me on is a mystery. Another mystery of his that I have yet to solve.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

There is something wonderful and beautiful about being totally and completely free. When the ties of what is behind you do not cling to you or pull you under. They don't demand your attention, or claim your body as their own. When they don't drag you away from the escape. From the joy of the hunt. The hunt for some kind of space that is yours and yours alone. I can't quite describe it. The feeling of finding this place. Especially when you share this place with someone else.

It's one in the morning when we stumble into his apartment, laughing like crazy as we watch Mai drive off, waving out the window. The music was loud. The air was choked with smoke and laughter. And we were happy. I was whole. I look at him and remember him kissing me in the middle of the crowd, unashamed. He takes one look at me and we know where this is going. Where it should go. If all is well. And it is. The hunt is over. I've found my place. He pushes me to the bed and hungrily attacks my body, peeling off layers of clothes from my sweat slicked body.

We are like lightening. Like a flash and a flash and I can't tell who is who anymore as he arms cover and hold me and we're moving together. Gasping. So this is what it's like. To be completely one with someone. So much heat and pressure and lovely lovely skin and arms and neck teeth lips tongue push pull give take. I need this so bad. I need this and I need him and I'vefelt felt anything even remotely close to this before. Our cries mingle and bruised lips meet gentle touches. He is so much darker than me. So much heavier in so many ways. He looms over me and is inside and there is so much lightening because it has begun to rain outside. The clouds roll over the sky and over my mind. A fog settles over us and no one can push through it. I distantly hear his soft soft voice in my ear and I smile because I've been waiting for him to say it.

"I love you."

For three weeks we have played this game. This game of sharing. And in three weeks we have fallen down this rabbit hole of emotion. And we've come up struggling for breath. But in the end, the words are all we have. And I say them back. Maybe too loud. Maybe too many times. But they're there. They hang in the room and float around us and we swallow them like we've swallowed each other. And then we are done. Then the lightening we've become fades away, when our clinging fingers relinquish their hold.


	5. Trust

**A/N:** I just finished this real quick. Going to bed. Enjoy this part before I leave for HAWAII. (so excited!!!!!!!)

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 5: Trust**

"I want to meet your grandfather."

"Does it have to be today? I'm sore."

"Sex will do that to you."

"Yeah, especially if you do it repeatedly. Ow!" Yami stumbles into me as we dress, nailing me with his elbow.

"Sorry _aibou_." I sigh and fall back onto the bed.

"I don't want to start school again tomorrow."

"You need to. To be smart and successful so we can run away and I don't have to sell garbage anymore."

"You don't have to do that now."

"Yugi."

"I know, I know. Your livelihood or whatever. Where will we go?"

"Europe."

"Been there."

"Egypt?" He looks at me seriously. "Okay, okay. Not Egypt. Not Europe."

"How about Canada?" I think about this.

"It's cold there."

"You'll live." He tackles me and kisses my neck.

"Stop! Stop! Not again. I can't again. I've got to get home. I've got to go to work today. It's going to be busy."

"When?"

"All day."

"No, I mean, when do you have to go to work?"

"My shift starts at noon."

"We have plenty of time."

"It's ten."

"See? Two whole hours." I succumb and let him kiss me until I can't take it anymore. But there's a time and place for sex and while this may be the perfect place, it's not the greatest time.

"Okay! Okay. I've got to go."

"Let me come with you."

"No."

"Are you still keeping me a secret." I don't say anything. "Yugi." He looks at me seriously. "I told you I loved you. Everyone knows who I'm with. I risked a lot. My reputation. My clients. But no one cared. Now what makes you think young and open minded people like your friends would be more judgmental than a group of hard-ass junkies, boxers, and Aderol addicts?"

"You don't understand."

"Help me understand," he says, grabbing me by the wrist. I look at his hands, so rough and gentle all at once. He smiles.

"Okay," I say quietly. His smile gets bigger. "But _not_ today. I've got enough to deal with with my classes starting. When it all gets settled, I'll introduce you."

"As?" I lean close and kiss his ear.

"As my soul mate." He holds me close.

"I'm here for you, Yugi. You don't have to go through this alone. I'll always be here for you. I promise." And somehow, I know he's not lying. "I love you. I said it last night and I meant it."

"I love you, too."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I ride my bike home and carefully go inside. Grampa is in the kitchen. "There you are!" he calls. He pokes his head out. "That friend of your's feed you?"

"Nope. I waited to have some waffles," I say smiling, stepping into the kitchen.

"Have fun?"

"Of course." I give him a hug and grab the syrup and milk from the fridge. "I've got work today."

"I know. I was going to call you, but I figured you were responsible enough to get here on time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Any time, Yugi." He sets the plate down and looks at me carefully. "You really did have a good time, didn't you?"

"The best." He sighs and begins to eat as well.

"I'm very glad of that."

The thing about working at a college bookstore the day before classes start is that everyone is getting their books late. Everyone. Freshman, juniors, even seasoned grad students are buying things last minute. I'm swamped with customers until well after I should be off. "Take the over time," my boss says. I finally finish after eight, locking the doors on my own.

"So this is where you work?"

"Yami!" I walk quickly over to him. "_What_ are you doing here?"

"Visiting." I pull him well away from anyone who might notice us.

"I said not today."

"Well, I was around. Thought I'd come see you." I sigh. I can't resist him when he talks like this. When he smiles like this. I shake my head. "I don't want to be a secret."

"I told you you weren't anymore. That I'd tell my grandfather."

"But not today." I roll my eyes and lean against the wall. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's my fault." I look at him and smile. Laugh a bit. "You want to come over for dinner?" He smiles.

"Yes. I'd love to." He leans toward me and kisses me as my phone rings. I silence it. He makes everything feel better and alive. My body heats and sways into him. I feel safe and secure and loved. A voice cracks through my peace. Splits it in two.

"Yugi?" It's not Yami who's spoken. It's Joey.

Tristan and Tea are standing with him. I break away from him and look at them. "Hi." Silence. "Um. Hi." I straighten my shirt absentmindedly, avoiding their gaze. They simple stare. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Looking for you!" Tea says harshly. She's angry, I know this. I ditch them for some guy who it turns out I'm fucking. Great. I give them a quick smile, but I look down at my feet. "I left you messages."

"I was at work."

"I just called you less than a minute ago." So that's the call I ignored. "_This_ is what you were doing?" she asks incredulously. Yami smiles and steps forward.

"I don't think we've met. I'm Yami. Yugi's told me a lot about you guys. Let me guess. You're Tea." She glared. "Joey and Tristan."

"Nice to meet you," Tristan says, shaking his hand. "Yugi's only said good things about you."

"Well! Glad to know we're all on a good page. I was leaving, actually. Did you want to come with me?" He's offering me an escape. A quick and easy way to get away from them. I love him more for it. But I can't I have to face this head on. Without running away.

"No," I say quietly. "You go. I'll call you later." He nods. Doesn't kiss me. Walks away. This is what I get. Keeping secrets. Time to spill it.

"I can't believe this! He's the one you've been ditching us for?" I shrug.

"You could have said something Yug." Obviously not. I shrug again. Tea bites her lip, but says nothing.

"We're best friends, Yugi. No secrets. No lies. No hidden love. You tell us everything. Or you used to. I'm sorry. That this is how it has to end. This friendship."

"What?" I ask quickly, finally making eye contact.

"You've never kept secrets," Joey says. "Sorry." He and Tea begin to walk away. Tristan looks back and forth. Then follows them. Joey comes back. "This isn't easy for me. You're my best friend. My closest friend. But I'm hurt Yugi. Hurt that you didn't trust me enough with this secret. I mean, it didn't have to be a secret."

"Well excuse me. I mean, you're just so fucking open to it now aren't you?"

"You lied, Yugi. About him and what he was to you. And I'm hurt. So just stay away while I sort things out, go it?" He leaves me again. Alone. I want Yami back. But the silence around me feels calming, so I head home. My grampa is fixing dinner.

"There you are! I- Yugi. Are you alright?"

"Grampa?" He nods. "Yami is more than just a friend."

"Okay... Is that what this is about?" How do I tell him the first people who ever cared no longer care? No longer want to see me? No longer can stand me? I shake my head. "Is it about your friends?" I nod. "They'll come around. You'll see." I suck in air I didn't realize I was holding back. Why am I crying? Do I miss them that much? Does it matter? I have Yami. And Mai and Duke. Aren't they good enough? They're more than enough, really. I shake my head and laugh. "When do I get to meet this Yami?"

"When would you like to?"

"As soon as we can."


	6. Not Moving On

**A/N:** Back from Hawai'i and back to the laptop. Going to be cranking more out probably next week, but for now you'll get a little. :) Lovely reviewers, I thanketh thee.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 6: Not Moving On**

School is a strange place. One I love and hate all at the same time. I don't really know why. I was never a brainiac, but I was never an idiot either. Here in college, I thrive. For some reason. I don't enjoy all of it, but I live off of the drama and hunger it gives me. Some girl went into labor in my history lecture. My chemistry class is nearly as stimulating as my boyfriend.

But not quite.

I am sitting at a picnic table on the grass in front of the social sciences building. I'm nearly done for the day with only a couple hours till my last class. I'm spacing out as I sip on the smoothie I've bought for lunch when a voice startles me. "This seat taken?"

"Duke!" I turn around and find the dice master standing next to the table. I smile and he sits next to me. Pulls out a cigarette and offers me one. I graciously accept. I've become an addict. "I didn't even know you came here."

"Well, we used to run in different circles. Now, we are one." He clasps his hands together and hands me his lighter. "Fucking in tune with each others' senses." Duke's free spirit hippie ways always make me smile. I know exactly what he's talking about. "But yeah. I go here. I'm a senior."

"Nice. Major?"

"Metallurgy. I sculpt shit. Cool huh? My dad wanted me to be a lawyer or something." I snort. I can NOT imagine Duke as a lawyer. No way in hell. "Yeah, I know. Crazy, right?" I nod, suck on the cigarette. "What about you?"

"English lit."

"No shit?"

"No shit. It's my thing. I like books. I'm getting a minor in history. I've got an internship next summer at the museum library."

"Very cool, little Yugi. Very cool." I shrug. I've had the internship in the bag for a while now. But that was when my life was different. When my life was dull and flat and boring and sexless, loveless, and Yami-less. I had nothing better to do than hope I'd get that internship, land a job, get a grant for grad school, get a PhD. I still want all that. But it has to include him. It has to. "You'll make a great professor. They'll all remember your lectures."

"It's the hair, isn't it?"

"It sure as shit is," he says, laughing. He looks around. "You know, despite all the rules in this place, it's really the first time I ever got to be free, you know? It's like, I got away from my folks, did the whole do what they want thing, and then realized: I could be happy without them. And their rules. I didn't need them. I could create something new here. So I did. I mean, this was the first place I really got to be myself. Where I realized what that meant. That myself was not someone who was created by the rest of the world. It was someone created by me. And that was the most liberating feeling. And then, of course, I met Mai. She's my best friend and she helped me find that person."

"Kind of like what Yami did for me."

"Exactly. Except, you know, you get to have sex. Mai and I, strictly friends. Nothing there but hand holding." He scowls and puts his cigarette out.

"Bitter much?"

"No," he snaps. Then he smiles. "We go company." I look up and see Joey walking awkwardly toward us. He gives a quick smile.

"Hey Yug."

"Hey." If there is anyone I want to talk to, to spill my secrets to, it's Joey. I need to talk to him. I really do. He looks at Duke.

"Listen, if we're going to be in this chem project together I need your number. I don't want to fall behind on it and I really have a lot on my plate." It's true. Joey's double majoring in Chem and Astronomy, with a minor in physics. I don't know why. He took some required courses and it turns out science is his thing. He's been working at the observatory since freshman year. They'll hire him this winter if he passes Organic Chem. Duke's taking the class for fun, I think. He's not a chem person, that's for sure. But then again, only Duke knows himself, just like he said. Who am I to assume?

"Here you go." Duke hands him two pieces of paper.

"I only need one."

"The other one's for your friend. The brunette girl. What's her name?" he asks me.

"Tea."

"Tea. Yeah, it's for her." He winks and looks at his watch. "Well, best be off. See ya." He hops off the table. Joey grabs his shoulder.

"Listen you fucking dead beat. You keep your hands off of her, you hear me?"

"Joey! Knock it off!" I grab his hand, but he shoves me away. I stumble over the picnic seat and fall to the ground. Duke backs off slowly. He sees the tension. Knows the sign. Like the skinniest animal in the herd, he is fast and quick and easily escapes death. Easily escapes persecution. Easily escapes what now exists between me and my best friend. Between me and the person I fought so hard to be accepted by. We are now facing each other in a new place. And Duke sees that. He thrives off of peace and quiet and calm. Off of good music and a good joint. Not this strange world Joey and I have made for one another. He smiles weakly and walks away.

"Sorry," Joey says, bending down to help me up. I remember this. This helping hand. This friendly grasp. I remember it well. And I want it back.

"It's fine. Duke's a fucking genius, Joey."

"I know. He's teaching the class pretty much. And he's taking it for fun he said." Thought so. "I don't like this." I know what he's talking about. I nod. "Look, I'm sorry about this. And what happened at the book store. I was mad because I thought maybe you didn't trust me. And I know that's not true. I just...I was hurt because I would have understood. Really, I would have. But you know, I mean, it's just been the four of us for so long. I didn't want that to end. But I get it now. I get that you, you know, need more. I mean, we all do. I've got my friends at the observatory and stuff. I hang with them sometimes. It's Tea, though. You know how she's been since..." I know. Since her mother died.

"Yeah..."

"Look. I know it's going to be hard. I know that. But we can change with you. I think." I nod. "I've got to go to class. We'll talk...later. I guess. Okay?"

"Okay."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yami is sitting across from my grandfather. I have to resist touching him under the table. He does the same, only with less success. I don't know if my grampa notices, but if he does, he is silent about it.

"So you're a pharmacist." Ah yes, that one.

"Yes."

"Doing well?"

"Indeed. Walgreens is a wonderful employer."

"Really?"

"No, they're awful and the pay sucks. But you do what you have to do, right?" He's very good at this. This pretending to be someone else thing. I'd be worried if I wasn't doing it myself.

"Indeed you do."

We manage to get through dinner and dessert and send him off without making a fuss. We say things very well with our eyes. It's a skill we've learned. To much PDA and my grampa might not be so accepting. "I like him," he says as we clean up.

"Good."

"I'm serious Yugi. I really do." I smile and load the dishwasher. "How are things with Tea and the others?"

"Fine, I guess. I've only talked to Joey. Tea's still pretty upset. I'm not really sure what to do, you know?" He shrugs. This is something I'll have to work out on my own I suppose. I say goodnight and head upstairs. My phone rings.

"I enjoyed dinner."

"Do you have to call me all the time? Seriously. It's getting obnoxious."

"Very funny." I hear his laugh and smile on the other end. "Can you come over tomorrow?"

"I have to, actually. I left my books for my classes tomorrow at your place."

"Alright. Get some sleep _aibou_. Good night."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

_"Yugi? What are you doing? You're falling behind!"_

_"Mama! I'm coming. Please, wait for me."_

_"We can't, little one. Not much longer anyway."_

_"Papa, don't go, I can make it."_

_"Sorry baby. I'm so sorry. So sorry..."_

The dreams...they come to me every night now. The garden and the roots and their voices. So sweet and so far away. I can't seem to catch them, no matter how far I run. No matter how hard I try. They are just out of reach. Just this far away from me. And I don't know if it's me. Or if they're the ones who keep moving. But there is something here. Something my dead parents are trying to tell me. Or make me remember. I don't know which. I just know that they haunt my nights and they keep me from moving on. Why can't I just move on?


	7. Electric or Not

**A/N:** Another chapter, just for you. Because writing this is all I do. On vacation I had some thoughts. And now I'm doing what I ought. Updates for you are updates for me and as the tale moves along, you should review and read.

P.S: another lemon. Sort of.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 7: Electric or Not**

We are rocking back and forth on the matress, our bodies slick with sweat. "Oh God," I moan and tilt my head back. He pulls me forward again, forcing me to stare straight into his eyes. This moment, here, is so intense. So very electric. Though he is buried deep within me, it feels as though we are sharing every bit of control. Our eyes are locked onto one another and his breathing is harsh and uneven. He pushes further into me and strikes the nerve deep within. A few moments later, we're through. I fall next to him.

"What was that?"

"The best sex of your life, that's what." He laughs and looks at the clock. "Who knew it could happen at ten in the morning?"

"Us, apparently."

"Apparently." I came over to get my text books for the evening classes I have and we got distracted somewhere between the front door and the bed. I don't know where exactly. All I know is that we didn't look away from one another. We didn't stop moving. And we didn't wait for an excuse to make love. We just do that now, whenever we feel like it. Whenever the moment feels right, we seize it. He lets nothing get away from us and neither do I.

We shower and get distracted again. In the distance I hear my phone ringing, but I don't really register the noise. Not until we get out and get dressed do I see I've got six missed calls. "Shit," I mutter and look at them. "Tristan...that's odd." The phone rings in my hand. It's him again. "Hey."

"Jesus! Finally. I got him," I hear him call.

"What is it?"

"We went to the game shop to see if you were there. Joey said maybe you'd want to finally hang or something, shit I don't know. All I know is we went there and your grampa was behind the register and he wouldn't wake up and we called an ambulence but he just keeps asking for you, so-"

"I'm on my way." I hang up the phone. No no no no no no. No. This isn't happening. I shake my head to clear my thoughts, but still, this isn't happening, is it? Yami looks quickly at me. "I've got to go. My grampa's in the hospital. I'm sorry. But I've got to go." He nods and pulls out his wallet. "Stop."

"You'll get a cab. Take this."

"No."

"Then I'll go with you. Come on." He drags me downstairs and expertly hails a taxi. At the hospital I run down the hall to the room the lobby gave me. They're all outside. They're all here. For me. I smile weakly.

"How is he?"

"How do you think he is?" Tea asks harshly. I want to hold her. I want to let her know I love her. That she is my friend. And that I will never forget her kindness. Never forget her words and her will. But that is draining. Her mother's death has removed a part of herself from us all. Everyone knows that. Everyone sees that. She shakes and I put her hand in mine.

"It's okay," I say. And I smile. And she sinks into a chair. The doctor comes over and tells me my grandfather had a stroke.

That if he makes it past tonight, he's got some more time.

But they don't think that's likely.

They think he'll die.

They don't know him like I do.

But he's had a massive stroke.

And he'll die tonight.

And he'll never wake up.

I sit next to his bed.

"They don't know you like I do. You'll be fine. Please tell me you'll be alright." I choke back a sob that is threatening to reveal my weakness to everyone. The room is thick.

"What's he doing here?" Tea asks quietly.

"I don't know, but it doesn't matter, so calm down."

"I am calm."

"If you want to talk to me, I'm right here," Yami snaps. That's it.

"Alright! Everyone. Out. Now," I say louder as I see Tea falter behind Joey and Tristan's quickly retreating backs. She purses her lips and walks out. "Even you," I say quietly to Yami. He nods and kisses my forhead. He leans down to my grandfather and whispers something I don't hear. "What was-" He places a finger over my lips and walks out. I shake my head and sit down next to my grandfather's bed. "Grampa?" I call to him. He's asleep. Deeply. I let loose the sob that has been waiting patiently in my throat. The strange noise that comes from my throat surprises me. A small howl. I can't help myself. If he dies, I will have no family. None. I will be alone. The sole survivor. This realization racks my body and mind, forces my limps to shake with the sobs and howls that escape me. Whatever the Universe wanted from me, this wasn't supposed to go along with it. I can't really grasp this, so I start talking.

I tell him all my secrets. I tell him how I smoked and drank and made love and lied. "He's not a pharmacist, grampa. I'm sorry we lied to you. We'll tell you everything when you wake up, okay? Well, almost everything." I chuckle to myself, but that too breaks down into a cry. I can't stop myself. "Please don't leave me. I'm begging you, please. You can't...I can't...Yami isn't enough. He's everything, but without you, there's nothing left. I need more. I need you. I need you so much." I fall asleep there and fitful dreams plague me.

_"Yugi, you came to us!" But I can't see their faces. Only their arms, reaching out from the trees above. _

_"No! This isn't it." I see my grandfather sitting among my parents' arms and legs. "No, he can't come here. This isn't right!" _

_"Yugi, it's time."  
_

_"No..it's not." _

My eyes open. Where am I? The hospital. What woke me up? "Grampa?" I say timidly. And I look at him. And I realize.

I realize that I have been awoken by the sound of my grandfather taking his last breath.


	8. Making Sense

**A/N:** Ahem. *stumbles in* Hi everyone. I'm back from an extended unplanned hiatus. I just wasn't in a writing mood for a while. But I'm back and I'm better. I think. I've actually been thinking about this story a lot and I have some big plans for it.

P.S: Again, another lemon. This story just sort of calls for it.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my plots and OC's.**

**Chapter 8: Making Sense**

I have my grandfather cremated. Quietly. I don't tell anyone. I have it done the evening he dies because I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to think about it, so I get rid of it. Or so I think. But it turns out getting rid of grampa's body doesn't make it any better and there is something coiling inside of me. I can't see right, like something red and hot is blurring my vision. I look around. They tell me to come get him tomorrow. Like this will make it better. Like he'll be alive when I come back. The kid doing the cremation process looks like he's about my age. He's laughing and joking. How can he? I want to grab him and do the work myself. Someone with more decency should be doing this. Not some shithead with no high school diploma. The red in my vision flashes. I have to get the fuck out of here.

The sidewalk is moving underneath me almost. I feeling like I'm flying. I don't know where I'm planning on going, but my instincts tell where I should go. Yami's apartment. Taxis drive by. I could call him or Mai. But I walk. The coil inside me tightens. I can't do this. People don't really notice me as I fade in and out of their lives. It's late, I know that. Nearly eleven o'clock at night. But I don't care. I've got to be someplace other than the hospital and in his arms is the safest and surest bet. It's the only place where I can actually let everything go. Where the world doesn't seem so big.

The coil groans.

I bang on the door even though I've got a key. He stumbles as it opens because I've launched myself at him, no explanation, nothing. "Yugi!" he breathes. I capture his words in a kiss. It's harsh and think and layered with pain and hurt and anger and tears. I hate my grandfather. I hate myself for hating him. I hate my parents for leaving me and never coming back. I hate Tea for not understanding. I hate myself again for lying to her and forcing her to not understand. I hate everything about this moment. And yet...

And yet I can't get enough of it. We're peeling off layers and then we're on the bed. But I don't go under him or let him inside. I push into him first and he yells. This is new. I can see the shock and surprise on his face. But I'm not giving this up. I push and thrust and shove and scream. Scream because there is no one left in the world who truly loves me but him. Scream because this is all I can think to do. Scream because doing this, acting this way, feels so fucking good. And so unbelievably twisted. And great.

The coil unwinds.

And I release into him with a strange and alien fury that I've never known. He cries out and does the same. Our damp bodies slide away from one another and I break down into his neck. What am I going to do? There there, _aibou_. It's going to be alright. I'm so alone. You've got me. I have no family. What about your parents? I can't do this. I have no one. You have me. Isn't that enough? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore...

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I blink. Where am I? I look at the ceiling that is not mine. The small bed where I am alone. The smell of coffee. The sound of someone whistling. I smile. Yami. "Morning," he says, bringing me a mug that is piping hot. "Feeling better?"

"Was I feeling bad?"

"You were a mess last night."

"What happened?" He laughs. "Oh. Right. Sorry...about that."

"No no. It was fine. Fun, actually. Or it would have been, if you hadn't been so upset. But you'll be okay, I know that for sure." I shrug. "Maybe you should call your parents." I look away from him.

"They're dead."

"Oh."

"But it was a long time ago. I mean, I only remember little things."

"I think that's the worst," he says quietly. I look at him quizically. "Well, you remember enough for it to be painful. But not enough for it to hurt just as bad. I never knew my mother, so I never got to experience life with her. My father....well, he's been dead a while and life without him is strangely...hollow. I guess you could say." He smiles sadly. "You'll be okay. I promise. But you should go to class. Not today, but tomorrow. Life goes on, even in the face of death Yugi. Remember that." He kisses me soft and slow and I lean back on the pillows and fall asleep again. When I wake up, he's not there, but comes back a few minutes later with some food.

"I didn't feel like cooking."

"Good idea." We spend the rest of the evening eating bad Chinese take-out and working on an essay I forgot to do for tomorrow. It's a long night...a very long night indeed.

The rest of the week passes in strange fleeting hours. Days tick by and I don't really notice them. I go to class, I eat, I sleep. I don't dream or wake in the middle of the night. Yami keeps me grounded when the moon is out. It's our time and she is our mother, I think. She looks at us and I feel safer. In the day, it isn't as good. I'm in class or wandering around my own head. I have my grampa's ashes now, but I don't know what to do with them. I mean, what the hell do you do with something like that? It's creepy to keep it, but I don't want to...waste him. I want him to mean something. I want his death to be more than just a stroke that took his life without warning. I want there to be something more to him and the things he believed in. But I'm not sure what to do with him. So I stash the ashes away. I don't want people to see him. They're mine.

On Friday I decide I should go back to my house. Though I don't want to be alone there, I'm running out of clean clothes and Yami thinks I should stay there at least once. He thinks it'll do me some good. Besides, he's going away for the weekend to a dog race and I don't feel like going. And staying alone in his house is out of the question. As I near my house I see Tea, Joey and Tristan. _Fuck_, I think to myself and prepare for the onslaught.

But there isn't one. Tea simply hugs me. "We thought you didn't have class on Friday."

"That was last semester," I say quietly, untangling myself from her arms. I nod at the others and unlock the door, leaving it open for them to come in. It feels empty in here, like something is wrong. I have my grandfathers ashes in a bag, but I put it in the hall closet behind some boxes. No one needs to see them. No one needs to know where they are. No one but me. Turning toward them, I give a heavy sigh. They need to leave. Now. But they're settling in as though they want to stay. "What's up?"

"We wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tonight. Get together."

"Tonight?"

"What? Are you doing something with that guy?" Tea asked quietly.

"No, he's out of town."

"Where?"

"A...seminar."

"Pharmacists have seminars?"

"Yeah," I manage. "Not tonight, alright? Maybe...maybe next weekend." I rub my eyes and look at them. Tea nods. But this is going to be a long road to walk down, this road to forgiveness. A road I'm not sure I'm well enough to travel down. "Yes. Next weekend. Okay?" Cue your exit, I think. Leave. Go away. I need to curl up in a corner in my kitchen and _die_. But I don't tell them that. They leave me alone and I stand in the living room feeling as empty as my house. I want to be with Yami, but he's gone and so I'll have to be alone. Because being with anyone else just doesn't make sense anymore.


	9. Wonder Years

**A/N:** God I missed you guys. I'm baaaack. For more.

**Chapter 9: Wonder-Years**

When I dream, I lose a part of myself, I'm sure. And when I wake up in the morning, I have to find it, like some missing puzzle piece that won't fit right until I open my eyes and remind myself it was only a dream. But sometimes, and I don't really know why, I don't get that piece back. And I wander around for a little while just a little emptier than usual.

"Is this a party? Or is this a party, eh Yug?" I smile. Joey seems happy. But I am lost in my dream world. Yami looks quizically at me, but I ignore him. Tea is attempting to be civil but gave up after fifteen minutes and has settled for ignoring Yami instead. Fine with me. As long as they don't fight, I'm fine. It seems like things will stay small, but the door bell rings and Mai and Duke are outside, wanting to come in.

"It's not a party without us." I laugh and figure it's okay. Yami seems more at ease now that we're all together. My two groups of friends. And neither can speak to the other. Strangely enough, it gets quieter when more people enter. No one knows that to say to one another. I kind of like it. I don't know why I agreed to let anyone over but Yami. I need him. Crave him. But we're not alone. The look in his eyes tells me he wants the same thing. Duke bumps into me, knocking me from my trance. "Whoa. Sorry brother. Guess I don't know my own strength." Mai snorts into her drink, a vodka mixture they brought over. She pours me a glass and I swallow it hard and fast, earning troubled glances from Tea and Joey. Tristan is oggling Mai's arms and legs as she pulls out a chess set and demands I play her.

"I thought you didn't play chess," Tea says.

"Correction. I don't play chess tournaments. I play chess frequently."

"Yami does tournaments. Like, you know, I mean, bets on them or whatever."

"Duke, honey, stop drinking for a while." He shrugs and stumbles into the kitchen and comes back with another for Mai.

"Drink more." She shakes her head.

"I'm the driver."

"So responsible," he snaps at her. His attraction to her is a little out of hand these days, namely because he's so good at supressing it. No one is sure when he'll snap. Mai pretends to be oblivious, knowing she's fucking with his head.

"You bet on tournaments?" Tea asks.

"Er, yes," Yami says quietly. "You know, for extra money." Duke begins to howl with laughter.

"_Extra money?! _Yami, who do you think you are these days?" He chokes on his drink and smiles. I move my rook. "God, it's like you think you've got some kind of real job or something."

"I DO," Yami says with some force. I glance at Mai.

"Duke, that's enough."

"Yami. My man. You SELL DRUGS. You don't have a real job."

"He's a pharmacist," Tea snaps. "That is a real job." Duke stares at her. For a fleeting moment in some past time, he thought he could have her. Use her as a distraction from Mai. But he knows now just how unattainable she is. Sighing he looks at her and grins.

"Sure. You could call him that."

"Well! I think it's time for us to-"

"Stop." Tea's voice is dark. She looks straight at me. "What the hell is he talking about?"

"Nothing, he's hammered. Don't worry about it." She shakes her head and continues to stare at me. "Is he, or is he not, a pharmacist?" I look at the clock. "_Answer_ me, Yugi."

"No, I'm not," Yami says quietly, saving me once more. "I'm not a pharmacist. I...sell drugs. From my house."

"A dealer."

"For lack of a better word, yes."

"I _really_ can't think of a better one," Joey snaps. He moves toward the door.

"Joey-"

"Yugi. Get the fuck away from me."

And like that, they're gone.

It feels so much more final that it had before. Like I really will never see them again. Any damage I'd repaired has now been destroyed ten times over. I stare after him as Tea and Tristan follow him out the door. Duke looks around.

"Did I fuck up?"

"Yeah," Mai says quietly. "You did." She picks up the chess pieces and puts everything away. "Come on. Let's go home."

"Sorry Yugi."

"It's fine," I whisper. They shut the door. Yami brings me a napkin. I didn't even know I'd been crying. "They're gone."

"Yes, they are."

"And they're not coming back."

"Probably not." I sigh and lean against him.

"Promise me something," I say.

"Anything."

"You'll never leave me." He takes in a sharp breath. I ignore it. It's a heavy question.

"I-"

"Please. Just say it now."

"I promise."

"Good." I pull him away from everything and we stumble to the couch, tugging and grasping, hoping for just one night where we can be separate from everything else. But I don't know if we can. I can hardly be separate from myself these days, something I feel a strange desire to be. Like wholly removed from the rest of myself. I cringe at the thought of being alone and I shy away from the thought of being with everyone. Yami's lips find mine, but something about this feels strangely....monotonous. Like we're running out of ideas. I am scrambling to pull him back to me. But I can feel the slow tug of time and I begin to panic. He can't see it, of course. But it's there. Hanging like the moon in the star patch and the wonder-years are spread before me like a strange and crumpled path way that I won't be able to walk one without him.

And I can already feel him taking a different path.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

He leaves in the morning, quietly telling me he loves me. Quietly kissing me. Quietly smiling. Quietly.

I go upstairs and scream into a pillow.

The quiet it killing me.

I am beginning to feel what I felt not so long ago.

The universe. It's calling.

And it's tell me that things are becoming the same again. But I won't let it. Because I known that I can't live without him. It just isn't possible, or right.

That evening, as the sun sets and I wonder to myself whether I should call him, three heavy knocks sound through the house.

He's standing there.

Covered in blood.

The wonder-years are over.


	10. Let Him Go, Let Him In

**A/N:** Guess what. I like to tear apart beautiful things.

**Chapter 10: Let Him Go, Let Him In**

"Do you remember...Mokuba Kaiba?"

"Vaguely. He's a scrawny kid and he and his brother are very _very_ skinny."

"I...Yugi, I..."

"What happened? What did you do?" Please God. Please. Please don't let it be what I think it is.

"Yugi. I killed him."

Luck will always run out. I've learned that. I'd never considered my relationship with Yami to be luck until now, but when he said that, I realized then: our luck was running out. And we were running out of time. Fast. Faster than maybe I could even imagine.

I wipe the blood off of him. I clean his wouds. I kiss him and I cry with him and I beg him not to turn himself in. He says he won't.

"But I can't stay."

"Wh-what? What do you mean?"

"I mean what I mean. I can't stay."

"No, you can. Yes. You will. You have to. You can't-"

"Yugi. I killed Mokuba Kaiba." I turn away from him.

A few days ago, while I was staying in the safety of Yami's apartment, after the night my grandfather died, we ran into two brothers. The youngest, Mokuba, was a nineteen year old kid with shaking hands and a wild set of eyes. He scared me. Terrified me. He stood at the door, like he was inbetween two worlds. And when I looked into his eyes, I could believe that. His brother was something else. Seto. He stared right at me. Threw me off. A strange smile passed over his lips and I felt like I'd been marked. I stayed behind the wall that I built between us of nerves and grey matter. Of fear and illusion. But his eyes. Blue and shining. They wouldn't leave mine. And I found myself continuing to see them, long after they had gone.

"A bad deal," he says quietly. "A bad, bad deal. I knew that kid was messed up. I knew it. And now I gotta get out of here. Tonight, if I can."

"Yami, you're talking crazy. How could anyone know it's you?"

"Yugi. I have to be careful. I'll take the bus."

"Where will you go? Have you even thought about this?" He looks at me for the first time.

"No, Yugi, I haven't." He's angry. We've never been angry with one another before. "Though you might not believe it, this isn't about you. Or us." He stands and backs me into the corner of the kitchen. "Did you think we would last forever? You? And me? You have a future. A long life ahead of you. I'm always two steps ahead of the law and one step from death."

"But I love you," I whisper.

"That's too bad." He backs away and goes for the door.

"Wait! Not yet! Not now. Please, Yami, think about this. Think it through."

"I don't have time to do that."

"But-"

"Yugi. Stay away. I'm leaving. Maybe..." He looks straight at me. "We'll see one another again some day."

"You said you loved me. You said it first."

"This was bound to end."

"It doesn't have to."

"You're so naive. So young." He places his hand on the door knob.

"So it wasn't real." My voice is so strong, he pulls his hand from the handle, like he's been burnt.

"It was real, Yugi. It just wan't meant to last forever."

"I thought it would."

"I'm sorry you did." He puts his hand back on the knob once more and opens the door. He leaves. Leaves me here, alone. With nothing but strange words to remember him by.

My lover. My love. My other self.

Gone.

He promised.

I had forced him to promise.

But he had.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I don't really know Mokuba Kaiba that well. Or his brother. Or what happened the night Yami killed him. I'm still trying to get over the fact that Yami is not here anymore. The next morning I had gone to his apartment and found all his stuff gone, except for a few things. Namely, the guitar. I picked it up and took it home. Opening it, I saw a note crammed between the strings. I decided not to read it. It's sitting in the kitchen, on the table, there in case I decide it's time to hear what he had to say before he left me here on my own. For two days I don't really think about much. The game shop needs to be reopened. Things need to be put back in order. I have a week off in the fall to do this. My grandfather's will left everything to me. And I have no other family to share this with. Or friends. Or Yami. But for some reason, I don't break down. For some reason, I really can't bring myself to cry or scream or do anything.

I think it's because I always knew this was coming.

Because I never get to keep anything.

Not Yami.

Not my friends.

Not my grandfather.

Not my parents.

Nothing.

And then, one day, he knocks on my door.

Seto Kaiba.

"You're Yugi, right?" I nod. "My brother is dead. Your friend is out of town. But no one seems to be able to put two and two together. Did he kill my brother?" I look at him. Can I lie to those eyes? Those xray eyes that peer right through me?

"No, he didn't." Guess I can. My desire to defend Yami is still strong, and I'm not letting this strung out junkie know the only person who has ever loved me killed his only brother. He must believe me because he nods. He understands, maybe. I don't know. I let him in.

Not knowing he may never leave.


	11. The Rape of Yugi Mutou

**A/N:** So. Kaiba. Is he a little out of character? I mean, I made him a druggie. Then I did this. I always feel like when I write, everyone gets a little out of character. Is that bad? Have I deviated too much? Should I tone Kaiba down? Tell me, okay?

**Chapter 11:** **The Rape of Yugi Mutou **

Do I call it rape?

There is a strange solace is not being alone, but just being near someone. Someone who doesn't have to talk to you. Someone you don't need to tell everything to. Someone who will be silent when silence is needed and will speak when voices need to be heard. Someone who will touch you where you are cold. Yami was that person. And now he is gone.

Seto Kaiba is not that person.

He came to my doorstep. He demanded I tell him who killed his brother. He believed me when I said I didn't know. He told me the story.

And then he didn't leave.

I thought that after the first week I'd be able to tell him to leave. But those eyes. Something about them put me off. Madness is the word for it, but I didn't know it then. He looks at me today with that same look. But it is madness brimming with something else. Something I don't see.

Hunger.

Desire.

Do I call it rape?

He leaves for an hour each day. I go to class and interview people for the game shop. He stays upstairs when they're there. Quiet. Hidden away. Maybe where he feels like he belongs. I don't understand. I just know that today is strange. Today is differnet. Different from yesterday.

Yesterday.

When he sat down and told me the story again.

Mokuba left in the middle of the night. It's the best time to score. It's when the salesmen are out. I know that much. He didn't come back. Yami killed him, but I don't mention that part. He thinks it was another junkie, a flier they call them. Someone who's in town for a few days and then leaves. Cleans the area. Flies off before the big eagles swoop in for the kill. Heart beats and pumps and blood blood blood so much blood. I remember how much covered Yami. How much I cleaned off.

I remember how he told me it wasn't important.

I remember how I told myself Kaiba could stay.

I wish I'd said that sooner.

Do I call it rape? Am I saying no? Well, I'm not saying yes. This isn't was I was expecting. With Yami it was always so tender. So planned. If not planned, we knew it was going to happen a second before. And then we were on one another. No one is on anyone. I leave the room for a moment to go send away customers. We're closed. I come back. Nothing's new. I face the counter again, cutting something. What is it? I don't remember. He grabs me and pushes me into the counter. No words. His belt ties my wrists together. Pants down, his first, then mine. He pushes into me and I can't really do much about it. I gasp in pain and slowly in pleasure because I can't lie and say it doesn't feel good. Or that this isn't something I'm opposed to. That my body isn't cold and aching for human contact. I can't say that. I beg him to keep going because my body wants it, even though my heart and mind have pledged themselves to Yami. Even though parts of me know this is wrong, the rest of me reasons.

He left me.

He told me he didn't love me.

He told me it wasn't real.

He promised he wouldn't go.

Kaiba's nails dig into my waist and I'm pressed hard against the counter. Before I can say another word he releases inside of me.

Then he pulls out. He undoes the belt around my wrists. Dresses himself. And goes upstairs.

I collapse on the floor, shivering from the after shock. My vision is blurred and my heart is pounding.

Do I call it rape?

I clean up and finish cooking. He comes back downstairs as if nothing has happened. We don't speak. Who is this dark strange I've let into my house. And will I let him do this to me again? And again? And again? "No" bubbles up in my throat, but I swallow it with food. Yes floods my mind, but I push it away. I think about class instead. I think about my friends. How they won't speak to me. How Mai and Duke are the only ones left, other than Kaiba.

How there was so much blood that I though we would both drown in it, until he pushed me under to save himself.

And then I am angry.

Very angry.

After dinner I go upstairs. Kaiba heads for the guest room but I tell him he can sleep with me.

In not so many words, I tell him:

You can take advantage of me.

You can rape me.

You can touch me.

You can hurt me and beat me and I won't mind.

Because any pain other that the pain I'm feeling now is fine.

Any other pain is beautiful and wanted.

So please.

Hurt me.

And he does.

And it some strange way, it feels good. Because I know that this pain will fade. That it will go away.

And I won't be lonely anymore.

Kaiba didn't rape me.

Yami did.

And I don't know if I'll ever forgive him for it.


	12. All Things Green are not Limes

**A/N:** I feel like it's time Joey and the others came back, but I really don't want to write about them. How about a little dream sequence instead?

**Chapter 12: All Things Green are not Limes**

I dreamed last night.

I dreamed the truth.

Is it the truth if you dream it?

Or is it always false?

I dreamed of a little boy who sat at a kitchen table and watched his mother make fruit salad. This little boy was me.

"What's this one?" she asked.

"And orange."

"Very good, little one! And this one?"

"A lime."

"No, limes are green. This is a lemon. See? It's yellow?" And it continued like that for some time. The little boy ate animal crackers and played the naming game with his mother. Then she gave him some fruit and his father came into the room. Warm kisses were exchanged between the mother and father. The boy giggle.

"What's that?"

"A lime."

"No, Yugi. That's kiwi."

"Kiwi." He sucked on the fruit and looked around. All green things were not limes. But all limes were green. Small things made sense in his mind. Things like this was his house. And that was his mother. She was beautiful. That was his father. He was busy but he was good. He was good at being a father because he always knew how to make the little boy laugh in a way no one else could.

One day, they left. They promised they would be back. And they left their son with his grandfather and told him to be good.

"We'll be back."

But they lied.

They didn't come back. Not for a very long time. Too long. The boy's grandfather called the airline they flew on. He called the embassy in France. He called everywhere. Until one day, someone called him instead.

And the little boy saw his grandfather cry for the first time.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Come. We have somewhere to go."

And he brought the boy to a strange room full of metal and cold cold death. He told him that this would be scary, but he had to see what happened or he'd never understand.

And he forced the little boy to look upon the dead and rotted bodies of his parents.

They had promised to come back.

And they did.

But not alive.

The boy fled the room. Ran as fast as he could away from the building. Trees and plants grew around the back of the building. Around te back of the morgue. And the boy hid beneath a tree and cried for a very long time. He pushed his grandfather away. But that didn't work.

And then I woke up. And I began to shake and I had to crawl away from Kaiba and my bed and vomit in the bathroom.

My grandfather had forced me to look at my dead parents. The garden behind the morgue was the place that haunted my dreams.

That's where the dead lived.

The garden.

Sitting here now, I am afraid. Afraid that that's where Mokuba is.

That that's where Yami will be.

And even though his name hurts my throat, I have to say it to myself.

_Yami. I loved you. I love you. Stay away from the garden_.Kaiba calls my name and I rinse my mouth, then go back to him.

He touches me and hurts me and I feel better.

This pain is love. But not all love should be painful.


	13. We Build, We Break

**A/N:** People are dumb. Yami and Yugi are no exception.

Also, tinkletimekelley: There will be no puppyshipping. I've tried it in the past and I just don't like it.

**Chapter 13: We Build, We Break**

_One Year Later_

"Anniversaries are dumb," Kaiba says. I nod. Is it our anniversary? Are we a couple? I don't know how we got on this subject. Did I mention it?

"Did you hear me?"

"I nodded, didn't I?"

"Hmph." He pour more tea and looks out the window. Still a junkie. Still an asshole. Still the guy I let fuck me senseless nearly every night. Sighing, I clean up the dishes. I have a class to get to. One of three I'm taking. Senior year is a joke for me. "Where're you going?"

"Class. Just like every other day." I shut the door. I can't really take another moment of him. I promised I would kick him out eleven months ago, but I let him stay because I liked the abuse. Couldn't help it. Making my way across town on my bike, I stop at a cross walk. Someone walks by. Strange hair, like mine. But he's gone. I'm seeing things. I've been seeing things for three months. Someone is here or I'm losing my mind. It can't be him.

The Yami in my head would never come back.

But the Yami in my head was never the real Yami.

Class is boring. Joey is in it. We sit together. Act civil. Crack a joke. Remember the good ol' days. Sometimes we have lunch. Sometimes we ignore one another. It just depends. Today is a good day.

"You should get together with us. It'd be nice. I mean, I think we've all moved on." I nod. We have, I think. Or, at least, they have. I smile and take notes and decide to meet with everyone.

And I almost make it, too.

But then I see him.

And he sees me.

We stare at one another.

He makes the first move forward while I stand still. Is it a sign that he should show up when I want to kick Kaiba out? I look around. No one is here but us and strangers.

"Yugi," he whispers. He is wise not to touch me.

And foolish.

"H-hi." An idiot. I am an idiot. A year of wondering about him, and that's all I say? "I have to go."

"Wait! Please." He grabs my arms. Did anyone see that? He touched first. He was the first one to move and the first one to heat my skin. It burns where he's touched me. "Have lunch with me."

"I'm having lunch with other people. I'm very busy, you know? And I can't talk to you. Ever. Again. So, yeah. You should leave me alone and never talk to me again."

"That's a little harsh."

"A little harsh?" My voice is shrill. "I'M a little harsh? You left me. Killed someone. Told me it didn't matter. And I'M the harsh one. Fuck you." I tear away from him. I have to meet with Tea and Joey and Tristan. I have to. If I don't, I'll never get them back.

"Yugi, wait!"

"Don't. Follow me. I don't need this right now. I'm trying to fix everything I broke. And you're not helping." Traffic moves. People cross the street. And I lose him. I know I'll see him again. Or rather, I hope I do. In secret parts of my mind, the Yugi who was changed by him is dying without him. I'm still that person, in a way. Darker maybe. Quieter. But I'm him either way.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I remember the letter that night. The letter Yami left stuck between the strings of the guitar I haven't touched since he left me.

_Yugi-_

_I don't have time to explain everything to you. You're a smart  
kid and I know you can figure out why I left you the way I  
did. Do you really think you could make it out here with me?  
You're so constant and I see so much potential in you.  
Don't waste it._

_I love you. I always have. I always will._

I look at the words on the page, then throw the letter away. Can't think about this right now. Don't want to think about this right now. WON'T think about this right now. I go upstairs. Kaiba begins to pull my shirt off. "Not tonight," I mutter.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Not tonight." He laughs, like this is a joke. I stare at him. He looks confused.

"Why not?"

"I'm tired. And I'm just not in the mood."

"Did something happen?"

"No," I snap. "Dammit, Kaiba. Can I just NOT want to have you fuck me? For once?" He shrugs.

"Fine." He leaves the room. I shut the door behind him and pull off my clothes. I don't want him anymore. I never really did. But I don't want him ever again. It makes me sick thinking about all the things I let him do to me. The room gets colder and I pull on a sweater, then get into bed. Tomorrow, maybe, Yami will find me. Tomorrow.

I heard Kaiba leave the house sometime after I turn the lights out. I look out the window and see him walking away, in the direction he always goes in. He'll come back wasted. Stoned. High. Something. Strung out on some shit he bought off a crazy dropout on a corner. He'll come back with that look in his eye. But he'll sleep. He always sleeps.

Not tonight, however. Tonight, he comes back stumbles through the door, up the stairs, to my room. I'm scared of him. That wild look. A mad man at heart.

"I think you know what's coming next." He grabs me. I kick his chest and he flies away, hits the door. "Come here!" A year of letting him abuse me and now I don't want this? It's ridiculous. But I really don't. I don't want him to touch me ever again. And I won't. I don't I shove him as he hears me again. He flies back.

His head hits the dresser.

He stops moving.

"K-Kaiba?" I ask carefully. Nothing. "Shit." I push myself away from him and run downstairs. What to do, what to do? The cops. Call the cops. Have to call the cops. I can't get in trouble for this, right? It was self-defense, right?

Yami killed one brother.

It would only be fitting if I killed the other.


	14. Center Stage

**A/N:** Ha. You all think you know how it's going to end. Well, maybe you do. Yeah, you're all probably right. -sigh-

**Chapter 14: Center Stage**

"So he was living with you."

"Yes'sir."

"And you were..."

"Sleeping together, yes."

"And he attempted to..."

"Rape me."

"Well, I can't call it murder, really. You didn't want him to...ah, well, you know, and he tried to and you defended yourself. There'll be some messy stuff with the DA, and I'll have to have you come down to the station with me, but other than that, I'd say you don't have much to worry about."

Right.

They take me to the police station to take my statement. Kaiba is dead. I killed him. But I don't feel bad about it. He tried to rape me and this time I didn't want it.

"Do you want to make a call? Have someone pick you up? Otherwise, we can have someone drive you."

I call Joey. I can't call Yami. Can't tell him anything. But I can tell Joey everything. He listens quietly in the car, nodding in all the right places, cursing in others. I go all the way back. Back a year. I tell him how sorry I am. No one's said it yet, and I might as well be the first.

"I'm just worried," I say quietly.

"About what?"

"That I still have feelings for him."

"Kaiba?" I shake me head. "Oh, you mean Yami? Well, you're bound to. I mean, it's obvious you do. There's no point in lying to yourself, Yug. Fess up. Admit it. You love him." I look at joey, surprised. Is he really saying this to me? Letting me off the hook? Allowing me to accept Yami back into my life? He can't be.

But he is.

Am I allowed to feel things for him?

Am I allowed to feel at all?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I wake up with a headache and it's raining. _Perfect_, I think bitterly to myself. They took down the crime-scene tape and cleaned the place all in one night. I'm impressed. Someone even made my bed. I keep the shop closed today. I'm tired and I can't think straight. I need...something. Need a drink maybe. Or food. Food would be good. I'm about to eat when the doorbell rings. I don't even really think about who it could be until I answer it and see Yami standing there. I yell and shut the door in his face. Then open it again. "Sorry! Sorry, oh shit, I'm really sorry." He laughs. "Come in."

"Smells good."

"It's bacon and eggs. Want some?" He nods.

"I'll get it."

"No. I need this. I've had a hell of a night." He looks around.

"Where's Kaiba?" I freeze. "I have connections Yugi. I wondered where he was and they said they thought he'd been living with me, but I haven't been here. Only one other person in the world looks like me." He smiles. "Where is he?" I clear my throat.

"Funny story, actually."

Apparently not, though. He doesn't laugh. Doesn't smile. "You killed him."

"Yes."

"And you're not going to jail."

"I don't think so. I mean, he tried to rape me."

"But you let him before."

"I was done. Done with all this Kaiba bullshit. It was unnecessary. I didn't need it anymore. So I told him so. He went out, got wasted, and came back. Tried to rape me. What did you want me to do?"

"I would have done the same thing."

"Obviously," I mutter. He sighs and rubs his eyes. Looks at his watch.

"I have to go to work."

"Funny," I say.

"No, really. I have to go to work." He doesn't say anything else, just gets up. "Can I come back later?" I nod.

And when he is gone, I begin to cry.

Cry because I am alone and I can't seem to hold onto anything.

Cry because my friends are so close and yet, so far.

Cry because I killed a man.

Cry because I want Yami so bad it hurts.

It hurts everywhere.

And it can't end until I have him back.

And he has to know that.

There was once a time when I lived passively. I let things come and go, slide by and swim about. I moved as if dreaming. But not really dreaming. Just outside the dream. I took my time and I took no chances. I never let anyone too close but my friends. And then I met Yami. And he forced me to jump head-long into life. He pushed me, practically kicking and screaming, into existence. And I found, with time, that living with life was...pleasant. That it could be wonderful and beautiful and that pain was something that was _supposed_ to happen. Not something you could escape. It came to you. Sitting here, in my kitchen, I embrace the pain. The hurt. And I realize that I have been living life. It the strangest way possible. I did was the old Yugi could never do. I let a stranger into my home and took him as my lover. When he tried to take without asking, I punished him. When the one I wanted came back, I pushed him away, then went crawling back for him. When life began to ache, instead of pushing it down, I have released it. It courses and ripples through my body, but I feel every bit of it. I become my pain, the cause of my pain. And I embrace that as well. I look up at my ceiling and imagine it as a blanket of stars. And a pleasant feeling runs through me. The pain dies away and I am left with warmth and joy. The anxiety is gone. I have truly begun to live and when I see Yami again, he will know that. He will see that I am no longer passive. I am no longer an onlooker, but the one on center stage.

And I love it.


	15. Forgive Me

**A/N: **I'm not happy with this chapter, but I couldn't really think of another way. I re-wrote it several times. This story is ending soon. I think.

**Chapter 15: Forgive Me**

There is solace is solitude. A strange warm joy that comes from being completely and utterly alone. I lay in my bed and, even though I want Yami here, I am happy. I fall asleep quickly and I have a dreamless night. Someone once told me you only remember your dreams because you wake up in the middle of the night. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, then I must have slept all the way through the night because I wake up without a dream to haunt my waking hours. And feels good.

I open the shop again. I begin to live and accept that life has screwed me over, but I'll be fine. At one point, I go into the storage closet and see my grandfather's ashes. I'd forgotten about them. Hadn't remembered that that's where I'd put them. I leave them there. I don't think he'd want to leave the game shop. It was his home and his child. He cared for the shop like it was his own flesh and blood. He'd want to be here. _Grandpa_, I think. _I will make you proud. _Trying to keep myself busy proves to be easier than I expected. People come in and out and I take care of them. I close the shop for lunch and eat with Joey and Tristan. I go to class around four. Come back, make dinner, watch TV. Strange that I am living something so normal, but love every second of it. There's only one problem.

I still don't have Yami.

I don't want to live without him forever. I'm okay for now, but the empty place in my heart that he left when he left _me_ is beginning to grow again and I don't know what to do about it. I could go to him, but he probably wouldn't take me back. Something inside of me is saying to go, but something else is saying to stay where I am. Let him come to me. But I no longer live passively, so I need to seek him out, bring him back to me.

I won't wait for things anymore.

"What do you want?" he says to me when I arrive. I'm a little taken aback.

"I...I mean...I..."

"Yugi..." He looks at me with strange eyes.

"I thought...I miss you," I blurt out, not daring to meet his gaze.

"Do you? Did you at all?" He looks hard at me, scrutinizing me.

"Of course! I-Wait. Is this...about Kaiba?" He nods. "Right. Well, I like where _this_ is going."

"What do you mean?" he snaps.

"_You_ left _me_."

"So you can just go out and start fucking someone else right away?"

"Obviously you didn't understand anything about mine and Kaiba's....relationship!" _For lack of a better word_, I think to myself. He looks at me again with those eyes. I told him. I told him what I let Kaiba do. Why I needed to pain. Why I needed to be raped and beaten by someone. I told him everything. And here he stands, judging me. Like I wronged him in some way. I look back into those hard eyes. "If you don't want me back then just say it, okay?"

"Yugi...I don't..." I stop. _Please don't say it_. "I don't know what to say. You've...changed."

"I'm not going to let you or anyone else run over me and waste my time and life anymore. I need you, but I'll get over you if I have to. I won't waste a single minute more of my life wondering if you want me or not if the truth is that you don't. So tell me know before I have to forget about you forever without know the answer." I still can't look at him. He voice wavers as he tries to squeeze the words out.

"I...I..." This is enough for me.

"Fine." I walk away and slam the door shut. Head to my bike. I feel like such a child. Footsteps come behind me.

"Yugi!" I turn around and meet him. Lips slam against mine and press hard. My teeth are smashed against my lips, but I don't care. His body is touch mine.

An earthquake trembles in my head.

We're not going to make it back to the house. I have to be inside him, now. I think he know that, somehow. That I've surrendered control for so long that I need it now. Somehow we make it back up the stairs and into his apartment. He carried me most of the way. We tear at clothing and groan and cry. There is no love making here. This is carnal desire. The need to force myself into him and have him claw at me and beg me for more. To be at his mercy and his guidance. To kiss him and know that there is something warm and alive behind the mask of doubt and cold, cold insecurity. I slam into him and he screams. I scream. Tears fall down my cheeks, but I don't know if they're mine or his.

"Say it," he moans. "Tell me you love me." Gasping. Grasping. Shove and and thrust and-

"God yes! I love you, only you. Never...ah! Never leave me again!" He nods. Less talking. More sex.

I don't know how long we go on. Eventually I come and let him inside me. Life is at a standstill. A portrait of perfection painted in our eyes. He lifts himself to me and my eyes lock with his. He is all I've ever needed. And I know he loves me. He says it again and again, repeats it, gasps it. "Yugi!" I dig my nails into his back.

And the earthquake in my head goes off and aftershock after aftershock rolls through my body.

The trembling subsides.

We collapse.

And he whispers to me as I lay beneath him, shivering.

_I have always loved you. Forgive me. Forgive me_.

Of course I forgive him.

Light always forgives its shadow.


	16. Breaking the Surface

**A/N:** Last chapter? I'll let you know.

Yeah, last chapter.

**Chapter 16: Breaking the Surface**

_Yugi?_

Was it all a dream?

Were the past two years just a figment?

_Yugi?_

I am hard pressed to say no, but they can't be, really. They were there. I was there. I was...alive.

_Are you awake?_

I remember that day. That day I met him. How I had been so alone when I was with everyone.

I was such a fool then.

_Come little one. It's time to wake up._

The water makes a tight seal over my head. I am neither here nor there, but all around.

_Ah, you're dreaming, aren't you? About me, I hope._

Being born is something I don't remember...

_Well, dream as much as you like. But you'll have to wake up eventually._

But being reborn...

_I dreamed about you, too, _aibou.

Being reborn is something I can remember very well.

_I dreamed about you when I was gone. I missed you. I missed loving you._

He was there. He helped me.

_I never want to miss out on anything again._

He was there and when I was drowning he pulled me from the waves.

_I never want to leave you._

There was a time when we were lost together. When we thought we had to kill each other to save ourselves.

_I will never hurt you again._

But it is as little Yugi learned as a child.

_I promise._

All limes are green.

_I love you._

Not not all green things are limes.

I open my eyes.

"There you are," Yami whispers, kissing me on the temple.

"Mmm."

"Where were you?"

"No where, really."

No where. Just breaking the surface.

* * *

**Sub A/N: ** I realized something. I haven't really thanked you all for reviewing. The has been my most reviewed story and probably my best one so far. I'm working on some short things right now and I'm spinning this ridiculous fairy tale right now. (It's set in Japan, possibly modern day, so I'm learning some little words and getting used to using Japanese names.) It's more magical realism than anything else. Sort of. I don't want to go so far as to say that, really, but there is magic and realism and LOTS of puzzleshipping. So yeah. THANKS FOR REVIEWING AND I LOVE YOU GUYS A LOT!


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